Hidan's Crap Day
by Dr-Lovekill
Summary: I was inspired by a streak of my own bad luck to write this. Basically Hidan has "one of those days" where anything can and will go wrong. What ensues? Lot's of profanity, of course. Rated for language


Hidan's Crap Day

_I was inspired to write this when I had an unbelievable stroke of bad luck that ranged from blowing a tire on a 4 lane to finding a rattlesnake in my bedroom, and decided to make Hidan the main character, as you don't really see too many Hidan-centric works out there, and I actually think he's pretty cool. It's a bit of an experiment for me, as comedy doesn't come naturally to me, but I felt like giving it a shot. But I digress. Read and review. I don't own Naruto, otherwise, I wouldn't live on a chicken farm._

In a darkened bedroom, deep within the Akatsuki lair, the dark red sheets on a bed of ebony rustled. A figure sat up in the bed and stretched.

"Ugggghhhhh, damnit." Growled Hidan, clearing the sleep from his eyes. "What a fuck of a night." The white-haired young man looked over at the Jashinist necklace laying on his nightstand. He reached over to grab the pendant, and lost his balance, falling out of bed and ending up on the floor with a crash that upset the nightstand. "OH GOD DAMN IT!" He shouted angrily. He stood and brushed himself off. Looking around, the Akatsuki member retrieved his necklace and pulled it on. He knelt down to pray to his god Jashin. There was a knock at the door.

"What?!" Hidan bellowed.

"Hey Hidan, get out of bed and get dressed already." Hidan's partner in crime Kakuzu called.

"Wait a fucking minute, Kakuzu!" Hidan replied. "I'm saying my morning prayers, asshole!"

"Well hurry up, choir boy!" Kakuzu said impatiently.

"Go fuck yourself." Hidan grumbled. He began his prayer. As he chanted to Jashin, he forgot to ask for a halfway decent day, which maybe he should have done, and later he would wish he had.

All the Akatsuki members sat around a large dining table eating breakfast.

"It's about time!" Kakuzu said, looking up from his eggs and bacon.

"Shut up Kakuzu, I'm in no mood." Hidan said.

"So what else is new?" Deidara grinned, sipping a soy mocha latte with foam. Hidan shook his head in frustration and walked to the kitchen counter, where he saw an inconceivable injustice.

"GAAHHHHH! You fuckers ate all the BACON! What the FUCK?!" Deidara started laughing, Konan giggled, and Itachi groaned and laid his head in his arms.

"Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi exclaimed, waving a piece of bacon playfully. Hidan began pouring a cup of coffee.

"You know, Hidan, you should really watch your language." Pein said stoically.

"And you should try to be more quiet when you bang Konan in the room next to mine, fearless leader."

"I'm the leader, I can do what I want." Pein grumbled.

"OH! SHIT!" Hidan cried as his inattention caused the coffee to overflow the mug and burn his hand. He dropped his favorite mug, and it shattered on the stone floor. "Bitchin-asscock- pissfucking Hell! Damn it to SHIT!" Hidan screamed in anger and frustration.

"Jeez, Hidan…" Kakuzu said. "I've never heard you use an entire sentence made of profanities before. Are you okay?"

"I'm having a bitch of a day." Hidan replied, grabbing his scythe and walking out the door. Outside in the morning sunshine, Hidan took a deep breath and exhaled. "Well," He said to himself. "It's a new day, and I can make what I want of it." Just then, a blue jay landed on his shoulder. Hidan raised an eyebrow at the fact that a bird had lighted on him like something out of a fucking Disney movie. "Get outta here, bird." Hidan said. "Before I vaporize your ass." Then the bird promptly tweeted, and dropped its birdy load on his shoulder, then flew off.

Hidan's eyes grew wide with rage. The bird landed on a branch and sang its bluebird song.

"DIE, FUCKER!" Hidan roared, and launched his massive three-bladed scythe. The bird exploded in a mass of feathers as the weapon annihilated it. The branch it had been nestled on was also splintered, and unfortunately for Hidan, it fell on his head.

"What the fuck did I DO?!" Hidan asked the air. "Who the fuck did I piss off?!" At that moment, Kakuzu walked out of the lair.

"Not me…yet." Kakuzu said, sensing Hidan's turnmoil, and not really caring about his anguish, but wanting to preserve the integrity of their teamwork for now. "We should go ahead and start our mission, you know. These demons don't capture themselves."

"Yeah, whatever." Hidan said. "I'm just having one of those days."

"Well, It's about to get better." Kakuzu said. "I'm gonna find us a nice bounty to collect. Killing needlessly always seems to perk you up."

"Eh…you're right." Hidan said. "You know, for some reason, I wanna find the first smoker I can and kill him."

_Well, that's my first attempt at a comedic one shot. Hope you liked it out there in Readerland. If not, I'll have to try harder next time. Please review so that I may know how I did, as I don't normally do oneshots, and I certainly don't do comedy. Well, until next time, cheerio._


End file.
